Ineffably You

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When the Lovin’ Ain’t Easy

I posted this on my personal Facebook page a few months ago, but it has been with me ever since and I feel like this is something we can all relate to.

I saw this picture whilst I was idly scrolling through my feed and I wasn’t going to post it but it really stuck with me.

“Loving me isn’t easy.”

I think just about everyone has felt this way at least once in their lives. After all, we all come with baggage and not a single one of us is perfect. Everyone has days that are better than others or moments when they’re not at their best. Sometimes their days turn into weeks or months, or even years.

If you’ve been friends with me on Facebook for awhile I know you’ve seen my many posts on anxiety and depression. I don’t try to hide it, there’s no need. It’s not a secret and it’s not something people should be embarrassed about. It happens. In fact, according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, 18% of adults, ages 18 and older, suffer from anxiety in the United States alone, and 3-5% of people, ages 18 and older, suffer from depression, with a lifetime risk of 17%. I would hazard to guess that many, if not all, of them feel that they aren’t lovable or it isn’t “easy” or they don’t “deserve” to be loved. And honestly, while everyone is deserving of love, some days it really isn’t easy at all.

To avoid hurting feelings unnecessarily or putting him on the spot, I won’t ask my significant other for back-up here, but I can absolutely confirm 100% that there are days when I am so unbelievably frustrating and lost in myself and angry at the world, I have no doubt he would rather be anywhere else than dealing with my shit. He has the patience of a monk for sticking around and supporting me through three years of crippling anxiety and depression and an intense need to push away everyone who gets too close. He has held me through my grief, listened to my screaming agony, and kissed away my tears. On days when my anxiety is running high he will run errands alone or make excuses for my absence on the rare occasion we have plans, understanding and never getting angry with me for not being able to do even the simplest of things. I will never deny being very lucky to have him, but if you ever asked him he would say the same for me. And on those days when he says these kind and lovely things to and about me, I often question his sincerity. Not because I think he’s a malicious, lying asshole, but because I don’t find anything worth loving.

But I’m wrong, because he’s still here. Every one of my incredible friends and family members who have stuck by me through the many years of self-destruction and the hurt I’ve caused them, have proven me wrong with their unwavering loyalty and unconditional love. I am deserving of love, even when it isn’t easy and even when I can’t exactly understand why.

So what I mean to say in my long-winded way is, even at your worst, you are lovable. Even when it’s not easy. Even when you don’t think anyone cares or you don’t deserve it. You are.

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