Ineffably You

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In December I announced that I was having issues with depression and had full intentions of working through it using this website. But then I didn’t.

The shitty thing about depression, besides literally everything, is feeling like what you have to say doesn’t matter to anyone else and all you’re doing is annoying or inconveniencing them. And that may be true. I don’t know, and I don’t really want to. But I do know that the more I thought about writing and sharing, the more it freaked me out and the more I pushed it away, and for that I apologize. It was recently brought to my attention that there are some who felt a little less alone because I was writing stuff they connected to, and if this is you, I never meant to just abandon you. You matter to me and you’re the reason I share my writing, instead of keeping it to myself. I’ll do my best not to just disappear again.

With all of that being said, here is what I’ve been up to on my path to feeling better: mostly nothing. I have done nothing to get better, partly because I didn’t know where to start and partly because I just couldn’t bring myself to do what I needed to do to even get through the day. I had good moments, of course. I celebrated the holidays with my little family and spent a day at Universal Orlando and a couple at Disney World (we live in Florida, so not a vacation…I don’t even know what a vacation is). I shopped a bit and read a lot of books. I attempted to bake and craft. I tried to get my daughter to like me as much as she likes her dad. But mostly I just did nothing, unless it involved not functioning or crying a lot.

Unfortunately, I’m still there. I’m still stuck. I have a lot of anger and resentment and fear in my head and heart where there should be love and joy. I still don’t know exactly where to start. I know the root of the problem, I know where I’d like to be, but I just don’t know how to get there. It’s beyond frustrating for me to be the way that I am. I hate that I can’t just function the way so many others do. I wish so much that I could just shut it down and be happy and not worry so damn much, but I can’t. It just doesn’t work that way.

Mental illness really pisses me the fuck off.

I don’t know what’s going to happen from here on out, but I just can’t continue like this. I can’t do it to myself and I can’t do it to my family and friends. So I have been making more of an effort to better myself and be healthy in the ways that I know how, and I hope that I keep going. I hope I do more. And I hope I can hold myself accountable. I don’t know who or what or where I’ll be tomorrow or in a month or a year, but I can say that I’ll take it one day at a time and aim for the best.

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