Ineffably You

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In Which I Ramble

Today’s post is a little different than the other ones. Sometimes in order for me to work things out for myself or get it out of my head, I need to just write. There is no advice or lesson in this, just my rambling/venting, and it may be a bit confusing and have no conclusion. I apologize in advance.

Part of having anxiety, for me, is having an intense need to solve any problem that’s thrown at me, often before a problem can even occur, and regardless of whether or not it’s MY problem. I hate feeling out of control of my life and as an add-on, I really hate conflict because it always ends up making me feel out of control of my emotions. Because of that (partially), I’m a people pleaser. Unfortunately, I’m constantly reminded that I can’t always make everyone else happy and make myself happy at the same time. Over the years it seems that choosing myself and my happiness over the happiness of others has caused me to lose several friends and a few family members. Being selfish or passionately standing up for what I believe in usually ends up having negative consequences, even if it’s for the right reasons. I have no doubt almost everyone already knows this.

I’ve never been good at being happy or putting myself first. I truly hate hurting others and have been known to avoid doing so like the plague, even if it meant being miserable (that’s not to say I am or was perfect. I’ve done some pretty shitty things in my life-more about that at a later time). As I’ve gotten older, though, it’s gotten a lot easier. My inherent need to bend over backwards for people who couldn’t give a flying fuck about me has somewhat diminished. I’m less inclined to keep my mouth shut and take it when being verbally abused or attacked for any reason, if I feel it’s undeserved or could be handled in a better way. If someone cuts me out of their life, despite being heartbroken for a time, I get over it and move on relatively quickly (depending on who they are and why they cut me out), rather than trying to fix whatever it is that pissed them off or whatever it is they don’t like about me.* It still tears me apart when I fuck up or lash out like an asshole and hurt people, but when it comes to being a doormat, it’s safe to say I’m pretty much done…

And yet, in this moment, I’m feeling sad about the people I’ve lost and wondering if I could have or should have done things differently. I’m wondering if I could have been better. I’m wondering if there’s something about myself I need to change to keep people around, because despite my usual refusal to change myself for anyone and my “fuck ’em, you can’t win them all” attitude, I’m not always strong, definitely not nearly as much as I let on, and it actually really fucks me up (again, depending on who and why). It seems like I have a talent for driving people away, and they’re often people I love very much. Given my penchant for selfishness and how frequently it occurs, it’s hard not to blame myself. I know it’s not always me…but is it? Am I a shittier person than I think? I ask myself this a lot. I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned it once in a previous post. I just don’t know.

Ugh, I wish I could just turn my brain off sometimes!

Maybe it’s the holidays and the memories they bring. Maybe it’s loneliness. Maybe it’s the anxiety that always creeps up on me in the dark of the night. Maybe it’s my deep-rooted abandonment issues. Regardless, I need to get it together and move on. But how?

*Sidenote in regards to working things out: I mean people who cut me out when they’re mad at me, instead of talking to me about it but then expect me to grovel and make it better…just no. I will gladly admit when I’m in the wrong and apologize and do what I can to make it better, but I’m not going to even attempt to with people who make it painfully clear that I mean nothing to them or who make an effort to shit all over me when it isn’t necessary. Sometimes you just have to be done and chalk it up to another experience and a lesson learned.

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